No, it didn’t work out. I have some beautiful memories, but isn’t that all that we get to keep in the end, the memories?
What I should have said…
“I need to catch my breath. I’m nervous about the logistics of all this, too. I’m nervous because I don’t have a perfect plan for my photos, ever. They just show up, and I have to take them. I don’t know when or where or how, but they’re just “there,” out of nowhere. And so, I’m really nervous about how to communicate that with you. I’m also nervous about how to balance it all. I want to be able to you/us attention, while giving it to myself, and I just don’t know how. I’m too black and white like that, I need to work on the grey.”
“Just hold my hand and keep talking to me.”
“I’m going to go into my head for a bit. There’s something there that I need to exercise, and I don’t know what it is, but I’m not going away, I’m just going in. I don’t want anything but you, but I think I’ve needed this “detachment,” this going into “me” for a while. So please, please don’t take it as me rejecting you.”
But no. I’ve taught myself knee-jerk reaction. It’s a safety mechanism, it’s how I’ve learned to avoid risks, at least when it comes to people. And so, I didn’t say anything, I went silent. That didn’t work.